Laughter
by QueenAllie
Summary: Just a fic I wrote for an Otogi FF contest. Done in 20 minutes, but pretty good. One sided OtogixJou. Angsty and depressing.


Summary: just a general depressed!Otogi   
  
Pairing: One sided Otogi/Jou   
  
Rating: PG-13 for mature content  
  
Reviews: Bring 'em on!  
  
"So little joy, so little joy,  
  
It's complicated.  
  
I feel I'm stumbling in the dark  
  
Somnambulated.  
  
I feel my heart seeking for the sparks  
  
And I'm praying for love  
  
So little joy, so little joy,  
  
It's complicated.  
  
So little time, so little time,  
  
When your heart's been faded.  
  
So little hope, so little hope  
  
I'm praying for love  
  
Love, love is more than enough…"  
  
-Somnambulist by BT  
  
Laughter  
  
Reflective. Silver. Sharp enough to cut paper. That's the way I like my blades. And rust free. After all, I'm just masochistic, not suicidal. Now anyway.  
  
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. No pain. No anger. No more tears. And no knowledge that you couldn't love me.  
  
I'm tired Jou. Tired of always having to pretend. I don't like Shizuka, and I probably never will. I'm not as confident as I seem. I'm still that little boy who's afraid of upsetting his father. But mainly, I'm tired of seeing how happy you are without me.  
  
Always joking around, teasing everyone. And flirting with Mai. That twists the knife every time. But do you notice? No. Because I could never tell you. Because you could never love me. Not like I love you.   
  
So brave. Stupid sometimes for sure, but brave. And caring. You really do love Shizuka with all you have. I wonder if anyone else really knows that. And funny. Usually, not intentionally, but you still make me laugh.  
  
And cry. How could I ever think that I could be good enough for you?  
  
I turn the blade over and look at it. Light reflects off its clean surface and it makes my tears sparkle. Everyday I do this. It's probably the only thing that keeps me from breaking down during the day. Knowing every night, I'll let it all out.  
  
I do have to be careful though. It's not like I could let anyone see them. Always where no one can see. Upper arms. Chest. Feet. Never enough to scar. Just enough for release.  
  
It's not so much the pain for me, but the slicing open of the skin. Opening myself to allow everything to leave. But it doesn't help all the time. Not everything leaves me. Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here again. Just like before. Thinking of you before I let everything out.  
  
Your personality. Your smile. Your eyes. Nothing I could ever get close to having. Always in the back of the group. I think you even like Anzu more than you like me.  
  
My hand starts to tremble as I pick up the blade again. So sharp. My skin calls to it. Aching for the small release it can give. But it's never enough. Those small cuts help only for a while, but it's enough for now.  
  
I press the blade lightly into my flesh, fighting the urge to plunge it in and tear it down my arm. I can't lose everything. What if I lose you?  
  
It slides through my skin smoothly, blood following it down my arm. Just a thin trickle. Red following silver. Tears flow freely down my face, but still I think of you. Usually my mind blanks.  
  
I press harder and the trickle becomes a stream. Why Jou? Why do I let you do this to me? I drop my head and my gaze follows the blood down my arm, past my wrist, down my fingers.  
  
My eyes go back up. Maybe just this once. Then I won't have to do this again tomorrow. Just something a bit bigger. Just to get some more of this out of me… set it free…  
  
*** *  
  
Soft. Pure. Gentle. The daisies lay on the freshly dug earth, reflecting everything beautiful in life. Everything Jou couldn't see now.  
  
"I still can't believe it," Honda said, looking at the flowers everyone placed on the ground. "Why would he?"  
  
A tear crept down Jou's cheek. Yes. Why Otogi? Why did you do this now? Now I'll never be able to tell you how much I valued your friendship. How much we all did. Didn't you know that?  
  
"What could have been so bad to make him do that?" Shizuka asked. "He didn't seem like the type.  
  
Yuugi stared at the gravestone. So cold and impersonal. It didn't care that you had called this person your friend. "Well," he said looking at the group. "He always did laugh the most. 


End file.
